My job is hard enough, trying to manage the behaviour of thirty 10 and 11 years old. It would be so much easier with a wee bit of back up from parents when I need it the most. The media is awash with stories of anti-social and disaffected youths and there are increasing calls for more action by parents. I think it may be useful for Joe Public to have this broken down into an Idiot's Guide for what to do at an earlier stage, i.e. when their Primary Teacher is ringing home to speak to mum or dad about behaviour concerns. The following all happened in the same week. (Please also bear in mind when reading that I do not work in a 'tough' school. I work in a relatively middle class area of the city and minimal kids have free school dinners, referrals to Social Services etc).
1. Emily is pissed off with a couple of girls in the class. Hormones are kicking in and they're getting a bit moody and cliquey. Emily decides the best course of action is to post a list of names of kids as 'bullies of the school' on her website (courtesy of Piczo: ooh you learn something new every day!). Emily goes a bit over the top in her pissed-offness and writes very nasty and inflammatory comments about 5 kids in the class, (completely missing the irony of her cyber space actions!). This prompts a flurry of complaints from parents and their offspring who have viewed the postings. Emily's mum is contacted and appears genuinely shocked when she reads the postings. She then explains that she had no idea that Emily had been using her laptop for this type of thing as her grandad had bought her it to help with homework. Mum feebily excuses her own lack of supervision by saying she's, "No good with computers." I am tempted to say, "I'm no good with quad bikes but, hey, that's what my kid says they want for Christmas!" Out of interest, I looked at the rest of Emily's website where there was a page called 'My Likes and Dislikes'. As a snap shot of her view of the world, I still question mum's parenting and influence on her child.
LIKES: Kittens, puppies, lap tops, babies, mobile phones.
DISLIKES: Bitches, chocolate, ugly fatties, dads.
2. Eddie's mum stops me on the playground first thing. Eddie has mild autism (Aspherger's and I do not minimise the difficulties this causes for him). Eddie's mum believes everything Eddie tells her and she appears incapable of accepting that Eddie: Lies (a lot); Eddie often says sexually aggressive things to others kids that upset them; Eddie is physically aggressive to other kids who accommodate it without complaint; Eddie is constantly disruptive in lessons and therefore disupts the education of others; Eddie, generally speaking, gets away with murder under the policy of inclusion and is very often a Nasty Little Shit.
She complains (the zillionth complaint this year) that a girl in the other Year 6 class has been calling him names, winding him up and making faces. This has caused terrible upset at home and they are not happy. As per usual, I listen and agree to look into it. I later find out from the teacher and teaching assistant that Eddie has blatantly lied (to try to dob the girl into trouble, to deflect from taking ny responsibility for being a little shit at home).
[HISTORICAL NOTE: Eddie's mum and dad went through every service imaginable (who would not be assertive enough to say they had problems with their parenting skills). Eddie, finally gets the label of Aspherger's and is put on drugs that the parents complain don't work.]
The school feeds back to mum about Eddie's fabrication and mum, for the zillionth time this year, says nothing to him and is, in my view, slowly, slowly spawning a monster who will no doubt get his head kicked in when he starts at secondary school in September because neither parent has done him the favour of helping him deal with the real world. I don't think Inclusion Policies do either as there is absolutely no consequence to a child's behaviour if they have a label.
3. Keith is off school for a day which is very unusual for him. I had tried ringing Keith's mum the afternoon before, after I confiscated a note he's passed to a girl with 'Can I fuck you' written on it. I had tried to get hold of mum to relay the bad news that Keith was now officially no angel (and can't use a question mark!). Two days later she rang and became very agitated when I explained what had happened and ranted that Keith was unhappy in school and she was fed up of him being bullied. I asked what she was talking about (because I was genuinely shocked at the mention of bullying). She, pathetically, talked about another lad in class (the most vulnerable, daft kid who is often bullied) who had "dragged Keith's coat through the mud". When I clarified when this had happened I worked out she was referring to one incident in Year 2 (4 years ago). Why can't parents accept my word when their child has done something and DEAL WITH IT?!! I detest the slack way parents use the BULLYING card to deflect when their kid wants to get out of taking responsibility for doing something wrong.
So, I am not surprised that increasing numbers of youths see no consequence for their actions, because there is no consequence from mummy or daddy at an early enough stage. Please don't defend your child if they are in the wrong. Support them to do the right thing. Life is a lottery and, like Carol Saldinack, you can do your best as a parent for it all to go wrong. She was brave enough to shop her sons as violent adults and is paying the consequences, big time. I hope the parents of kids can learn that their children are not their friends and start being a parent to them. This doesn't mean indulging their every materialistic whim and defending their fantasies over their behaviour and its consequences.
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